Road hogs

I spent a fair amount of time driving up and down the interstate highways this week. I was reminded again why some drivers really should not be allowed in the road.

One of my pet peeves is the driver who is so in love with his or her cruise control that he/she won’t turn it off under any circumstances. They drive down the road, totally oblivious to the ebb and flow of the traffic around them, and never vary their speed by a single mph. They are frequently the same drivers who never figured out that their rear view mirror has another purpose other than applying makeup.

I typically will try to cruise the interstate about 9 mph over the speed limit. (Unless I’m in an area where the flow of traffic is even faster and I’m getting blown off the road.) On one trip this week, I came up on two cars traveling at the exact same speed, 73 mph, just 3 mph over the posted limit. The car in the left hand lane was about six feet in front of the car in the right hand lane. This wasn’t an area of heavy traffic. They had a wide open road ahead and behind. They drove along like this, like military aircraft in formation, never varying their speed or separation for about 20 miles, and effectively blocking anyone from passing them. Meanwhile the traffic backed up behind them.

Normally, I would flash my lights at the car in the left lane to ask them to move out of the way. However, I was driving a state vehicle with one of those “How’s my driving? Call 1-800…” stickers on the back. It would be just my luck I would get one of those sensitive drivers who consider a flashed headlight signal as an ultimate insult. I don’t need to take time out for a defensive driving course. So I just stayed in formation with these two totally oblivious drivers until the one in the right lane pulled off at an exit.

At times like this, I am reminded of an old WC Fields movie. I think the name was “The Road Hog.” In the movie, Fields plays the part of a wealthy guy who gets cut off by an unruly driver and plots revenge. He goes out and purchases about ten cars and hires nine drivers. He takes the first car out on the road, with the remaining nine cars following. He waits until someone offends him with their driving and then he just rams his car into theirs. He gets out of his car; tips his hat to the other driver; gets in the next car in line; and continues the process until he is out of cars. He is my hero.

Here is a segment from the film. Enjoy, my little chickadees!

2 responses to “Road hogs

  1. Actually the title of the fim is “If I Had A Million”. I am glad you enjoyed the W.C. Fields and Alison Skipworth segment. In the film Skipworth receives a gift of one million dollars and they use the money to buy used cars, hire drivers, drive around and when encountered “road hogs”, they push them off the road.

    Ted Wioncek, Jr.
    W.C. Fields Fan Club
    PO Box 506
    Stratford, NJ 08084-0506

    • Thanks, Ted! I remember seeing the film at a party 35 years ago, and thinking it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen.

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